My Daughter Asked Me a Question About My Past. My Response Might’ve Scarred Her. (2024)

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding?Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I fear I’ve made a damaging mistake with my 10-year-old daughter and I don’t know how (or if) to address it. For context, my daughter has very high empathy, and thus, higher anxiety than most kids her age. She does come by it naturally—we both have inattentive ADHD, with an inward hyperfocus. Because of this, she is always way more concerned about me than I’d like, even though I’ve had many conversations letting her know it is not her job to worry about my emotions, etc. (And I am usually very apt to take alone time if I feel myself getting too emotional about something because I know how she internalizes it.)

About two weeks ago, we wanted to watch a show together and I had saved a recent Simone Biles documentary to my queue. My daughter is an athlete, and I was excited to share a documentary together about such a powerful force in female athletics! But…I stupidly forgot Simone’s story included sexual abuse by Larry Nassar. And while I have had talks with my kid about all manner of abuse, including sexual, it was always far removed from personal emotion, because I was leading the conversation and in control of the content.

Unfortunately, I have a profound, multi-faceted history with sexual violence at various ages starting in my toddlerhood. And yes, I have had many years of therapy for C-PTSD and my triggers are few and far between…but not nil. As soon as the show mentioned Nassar and “sexual abuse,” my daughter asked me point-blank if that had ever happened to me. I hate to admit it, but I broke down hard. The floodgates of tears opened. I told her the bare minimum—that yes, it had happened when I was 12. And my sobbing, of course, made her sob in kind. It just all hit me out of nowhere—I wasn’t expecting it, so my reaction was all raw emotion and I’m afraid I traumatized my daughter with my lack of control. Ever since then, she’s been trying to be more of a parentified caretaker role, even though I have assured her I am OK, and sometimes moms have big emotions, too. How do I do damage control here?

—The Armor Slipped

Dear Armor,

Be kind to yourself. You had a natural reaction, and although I am sure it scared or saddened your daughter, it sounds like you’re doing everything right in the aftermath. You are modeling perseverance and fortitude, teaching her that strength is not the absence of trauma but the survival of it, and you’re coaxing her out of her parentification instincts.

I think it’s a good idea to return to this topic, since it’s likely that your daughter has been thinking a lot about it. Spend some time beforehand thinking carefully about what you have already shared, and what else you’d want your daughter to know (or not know) at this point. This guide, though written for combat veterans dealing with PTSD, might help you prepare for that conversation. When you’re ready, open the discussion by asking your daughter how she’s feeling since the night of the documentary and what questions she has. Answer to the best of your ability; none of this has to go deeper than what you are comfortable sharing, or what you feel is age-appropriate. (You can deflect with a phrase such as, “I’m not quite ready to talk about that just yet, but what I can tell you is…”)

From there, consider taking your child to a trauma-informed therapist where she can learn and ask more questions without putting that burden solely on you. If you are currently seeing a therapist, they may be able to offer these services to your daughter or they can recommend a practitioner. Your school’s social worker might also have some local recommendations. And if you aren’t still seeing your therapist, please consider going back, even just for a stint. I am no mental health expert, but I want to make sure you’re OK now that this part of your past is known to your daughter. This is a new chapter for you and your mental health, so be sure to invest in your well-being as much as you do hers. Wishing you peace.

Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a single father raising my 9-year-old daughter. My daughter has a condition resulting from an injury as a toddler, which means that at certain times, especially if she’s been moving a lot or if it’s a really hot and humid day, she uses a mobility aid for help (usually a crutch). She’s had glasses since she was a baby—a very high prescription, that she wears all day. This summer she is signed up for a series of one- and two-week-long day camps. It’s recently come to light that at certain camps, which she heard from her friends have mean kids or mean counselors, she’s been saying she does not need the mobility aid or glasses. (These reports come from her best friend, whose older brother got bullied at these camps when he was her age, in 2019.) This has led to disastrous results, including falling into a patch of stinging nettle and constantly crashing into things.

I’m having trouble impressing upon her the importance of using her crutch when needed, which she’s really good about at school, or not going around blindly in a nature-based summer camp. She says that she doesn’t want to get bullied by mean kids. I had already contacted her current camp letting them know what signs to watch out for that would indicate she might need her crutch. I’ve since updated them that even when she doesn’t want to use it, she should, that she really should be wearing her glasses, and that she’s worried about bullying and so to keep an eye out for it. So far it has had mixed results—she’s been wearing her glasses more (but still not all the time like she does outside of camp) but she hasn’t been using her crutch when she clearly needs it even when counselors are begging her to. She is very stubborn at times. This is brand new to me and I don’t know how to navigate this.

—How to Proceed

Dear How to Proceed,

It’s unfortunate that she has a fear of bullies at this camp due to five-year-old intel. So much changes at a summer camp from year to year—not just the kids but the counselors and even sometimes the admin staff, too. You could try sharing this line of reasoning with her. You could also point out that consistently falling into nettle bushes may garner more teasing than a crutch or glasses would. However, both of these points are based on logic, and that’s probably not where your daughter’s head is right now.

Summer is almost over, so I think your goal should be simply to get through the remaining camp days. Strike up a bargain with her about the specific situations in which she must use her glasses or crutches. This might include specific activities, like hiking on a rough trail, or it could designate periods of time, like agreeing to use them half the day. If you’re afraid that she could get seriously hurt if she doesn’t comply, remind her that you’re in touch with her counselors and set some reasonable consequences for not adhering to your agreement.
Ahead of next summer, talk about which camps would be the best fit for her comfort and interests and establish some mutual expectations ahead of time. Better yet, try to sign her up with a friend so that she feels less social pressure in these new environments. You can also look into camps that have inclusion specialists; although not every camp has these, those that do can work with you and your daughter on accommodations and help establish a welcoming environment. Finally,think about whether you might allow your daughter to wear contact lenses, if she’s interested. Kids as young as 8 years old can wear them, and it might make her feel more confident to only have one assistive device on display. Good luck!

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

·Missed earlier columns this week?Read them here.
·Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

One of my in-laws struggles with depression (I do, too, and have a lot of empathy for them) but they are unable to keep their living space even remotely clean. Inches of dust, unwashed linens, full litter box—to the point that you can now smell it through the vents in the unit above them. I have forbidden our toddler from visiting the in-law in their place, but I don’t even want our child to visit the above unit (where a friend lives). My partner likes having that friend babysit, and our toddler loves them. My partner has mentioned the issue a few times to the in-law, but nothing changes. I feel like an intervention is needed for the physical health of my in-law (which would help their mental health too!) but my partner and friend are notoriously conflict-avoidant. Am I being unreasonable?

—Urine Need of Help

Dear Help,

You aren’t being unreasonable. It sounds like your in-law is potentially living in an unsafe home, and it’s fair that you remove your toddler from that kind of situation. Just as critical, your in-law needs help. So, your first step is to enact the boundaries you mention in your letter; both parties can see your child in your home. Your next step is to brainstorm with your partner about what kind of help you or other family members might be able to offer to the in-law. To start with, a bi-monthly cleaning service would probably go a long way toward helping your in-law be safer and happier, if you or the family could arrange (and possibly pay) for one. Perhaps they need someone to help them find a therapist or psychiatrist or hold them accountable for keeping appointments. I know all of these ideas involve time and/or dollars, but as you are well aware, depression can create some very difficult conditions to pull yourself out of. A little help can sometimes go a long way.

How old is the in-law? You may want to check out the Administration for Community Living, a division of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, for organizations that help aging and/or disabled folks. Your local municipality might also have services that could help your loved one.

Once you’ve nailed down some ideas, you all need to speak directly to your in-law about the situation. Your partner needs to clearly and compassionately express their concerns, share the fact that your child can’t come over until things are resolved, and then discuss how you all can help them move forward—if they’ll accept the assistance. I know that this is probably your partner’s nightmare, but remind them that they are confronting their loved one not to judge but to help. Thinking of it as a loving act of service might make the conversation easier to handle. It may also help to write their remarks ahead of time and read them aloud to the in-law. It’s awkward, but more helpful than delivering an unclear message.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been having an ongoing issue with my 8-year-old losing library books. We often get late fees or reminders for school and town libraries. Is the solution to not let her take books out?

—Nowhere to Be Found

Dear Nowhere,

Heck no! Your kid wants to read and is using their school and local libraries—this is great news! They’re not only improving their reading (and critical thinking and emotional) skills, but they’re also probably developing a sense of belonging when they visit these spaces. If anything, I’d encourage you to double down on books!

Now, that said, late fees and constant reminders are totally annoying. But there are easy things you and your kid can do to establish some better habits. Use a reminder system to be sure you’re returning books. Set a weekly reminder on your phone or any device your child might have for the days her class goes to the library. Or post a packing list by the door that cites every item your kid needs for school: lunch, water bottle, homework, gym shoes, library book, etc. You and your kid can verbally read off that list every morning; if it’s not a library day, you ignore that line, but it’s there when you need it. You can figure out a similar system for the local library—maybe writing due dates on a calendar or posting the check-out receipt to the fridge. Again, make it a habit of checking these spots together.

Bottom line: Don’t think of this situation as one that needs a punishment or consequence. Rather, frame it as a great opportunity to teach your child executive functioning tactics. If she can adopt a hack that helps her remember her books most (not all) of the time, she’ll be that much closer to finding solutions when other challenges come her way. And that’s the kind of resilience we need all our kids to have.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

My oldest child, “Julie,” is in fourth grade. She attends the local public school that is K-8 and generally has a great reputation: high test scores, small classes, experienced teachers, involved parents. Starting in fourth grade, there’s a “gifted” track kids can test into. Julie’s entire group of friends tested in and now attends all their classes together. Julie qualified, but my husband and I don’t believe in tracking or separating kids.